Sunday, January 17, 2016

A Super Duper Recap of Life

Oh wow look, I blogged a YEAR ago! Nice. I've had the bug for a while now though to blog and document this busy life. A lot, and what feels like nothing at all has happened in this last year. Since im laying in bed right now on this lovely Sunday with a fever, and sore throat, I figured id take advantage of the calm and jot some things down. And FYI this is in my phone so expect some serious typos! I don't plan to proof read!

I'll treat this as a new year recap post 😉
Last time I posted it was to document my sweet Levi turning 2, and he is now 3! This year has been busy, but also very "normal" which I tried to feel bad about, but realized what a blessing that was to just enjoy a happy peaceful year with my little family.

Since we last spoke I launched a new little cookie business, became very involved with an amazing group of woman through my MOPs group, made some awesome new friends through our pre-school, Cody got an awesome much deserved promotion at work, and I also had surgery as a "last ditch effort" for baby #3.

I would say internally last year was very consumed with the baby thing. Cody would argue the "internally" but I didn't open up to many other people about it. Something about this secondary infertility deal is awkward, and also very isolating. I didn't want to appear ungrateful for what I had, and also didn't really know many people who had gone through this for baby 3. I even kept this from besties which is odd, but I did. I had a seriously skewed mentality about all of this. Worried that if I shared with best friends they would get the bug too, and then of course get pregnant instantly, or feel bad for me and not want to share their news, OR think I was ungrateful for the two children I do have. I also wrestled with some hidden control issues, and had to think long and hard about why I even wanted a 3rd. Lots of soul searching on my value, and where it lies, and learning to close my heart and mind to the lie that I wasn't working hard enough as a mom of JUST two. Why did God choose to bless so many others with baby after baby after baby?! Does he not think I can handle it? My life is getting "easy" now, so what the heck do I do?? Some moms get to mother and birth babies over a span of 10+ years and I did it ALL  in 16 months. Not fair!!! Right?? Wrong!! Oh so wrong, and it has taken me quite a while to admit this, and even write it out for the world (aka the 4 people who will read this) to see.

I felt like if I put it out there that WE CANT HAVE A BABY it would become real, and I wasn't ready for that. Still makes me tear typing this. So in August I had an exploratory surgery to see what we could find out. It didn't result in much information (and what they did find they couldn't fix) and the doctor said to give it 4-5 months, and come back. Well 5 months later and they wanted to start me on all sorts of fertility treatments, shots, and pills. Phrases like "30% chance of triplets if this works" and "you really need to be okay with multiples" stressed me out, and understandable so Cody was NOT interested. I mean duh. He's quite practical about this sort of thing, and bless his soul he was ready to let me do it, but I literally felt God physically holding me in place and saying NO. Saying not to do this treatment, and take a long hard look at my life. I felt him telling me that yes there has been a void in my life that I desperately tried to fill with a new baby for over 2.5 years, but GUESS WHAT....the baby wasn't causing the void, and I was refusing to let God fill it.

So I prayed and prayed for God to help me find new hobbies, friends, and other meaningful realstionshiops to not only bring me closer to him, but remind me that while being a mom is AMAZING, this does not make up the whole of me. It's funny because I didn't expect him to use a cookie, but soon after the beginning of last year this funny little hobby/business fell into my lap, and seriously helped me out of my funk!! It kept me busy, and opened the door to a creative side I didn't really know I had. So fun!!! I've been blessed to make cookies for sooo many people, and reconnect with people I haven't  seen or spoken to in years! Awesome.

Now onto MOPs. Wow how I love these ladies. My mission this past year was to say yes more. Most of my friends always complain that they can't say no, but not me at all. I was happy to hang out at home with my boys, and soak in a slow pace lifestyle, which was amazing. Still is. However, I knew I needed to put myself out there and serve more. So after a year of being in the group I accepted the hospitality position on our steering committee. This was still a baby step, but a good first one for me. This weekly commitment along with the cookies and of course the kids was keeping me busier than EVER! We also tried to host as often as possible with out small group at church, and basically implement an open door policy at out house.

So basically it was an awesome year! I'm super blessed, and feel refreshed going into the new year having learned so much about myself, and excited to see what happens in 2016. I can finally say I know it won't be a new baby, and 9/10 time I'm SO okay with that. I have the best hubby, kids and family I could have ever imagined (and let's me onest I have 5 kids quite often), and am humbled and grateful for this life! The End. Happy Sunday!


the blogivers said...

Welcome back to the blogosphere! And thanks for sharing about everything you have been going through over the past year. I have had some of the same insecurities about "just" being a stay-at-home mom to "only" 2 kids, especially as they are getting older and easier - but you're right that being in that position allows us all the more time to invest in other activities, relationships, etc. and we should take advantage of that! Also, I like to think of Amanda's kids as 2 that are sort of like my own - I just don't have to pay for them, potty train them, etc. All the hugs/love but none of the hard stuff ;) I'm sure you can relate with Kayla's littles!!

Brittnie said...

It is so amazing how God naturally fills us up with Him once we recognize that the hole in our hearts can only and forever TRULY be filled with him. Not babies or family size or houses or whatever else the world likes to define as happiness. It takes us recognizing it (the hardest part!!) and asking him to take control and fill us up, but once we do and once he does, oh the result is priceless! It is where we find joy regardless of circumstance. :)